Musings

Thinker

Not that often, do I feel lonely. Being the odd man out in shift timings within my house, I find myself alone most of the time. Everyone would have been long gone by the time I wake up and snoring hard by the time I come home. I do things slowly when I am alone - it gives better perception of what I am doing and a better sense of things I need to plan about.

All said and done, a whole weekend alone in home was a bit unexpected. It wasn't dawned on me till as late as friday when everyone unveiled their travel plans for the weekend. I was a bit uneasy at first, for after having a few busy weekends in office offlate, I had learned to look forward to fun-filled weekends. The days passed without big fuss.

Had some occasional calls and I went out only two times in the two days - both to eat. The weekend ended and I slept peacefully - was too tired for no apparent reason. I am still held by the reins of my own stead..

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A paradox

It was fear that hit me first; as unaware as a brutal accident. I am sure that all the surety that was left in me, left me at that very moment. I was barely conscious, darkness and gloom prevailed in my mind - yes it was indeed a brutal accident.

Thinking now, its funny to imagine that all that happened, after a phone call. The phone call was one of the routine ones from my mom and being the build-up to my sis's engagement, we talked a lot about the preparations and my parents' travel to Chennai the next day. Overall, everything seemed to be fine, until she asked me if I had talked to Grandma, recently. I had planned to do it the next day and told her so. She said that I shouldn't, implying that there was some problem. After some babbling, she came up with her version of what happened the previous day and finally concluded that Grandma wouldn't be present at my sis's engagement. Anger hit me and though I didn't put it in words, my Grandma lost my respect - she was no longer the same. I had always imagined that I would probably cry at her death - a feeling that I never felt for both my parents, but it was all gone...in a flash - as it never was.

I put down the phone, giving some stupid reason. I didn't want to talk to my mom or anyone else for it made me sick, about myself. Thats when the fear hit me. It was a simple question but unmistakably the most important one, for it questioned the morality of the very stone upon which I built my church. It was an accident, the worst of its kind. The gloom seems unclearing atleast for the present. There is only one person, whom I could ask an answer. The person is also the most unsuited - certainly one of the most vivid paradoxes of mine.

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Alpha and the Omega

There have been places where I slipped - adding this to the fact that I am acrophobic, I needed to take appropriate actions. I learned a lot from my previous mistakes and made myself better equipped to handle most situations. Consequently, I forbade myself against walking in heights. But having to tread old paths more than once a while, I decided its better not to slip. I took really good rearguard actions. A lot of other intelluctual help, mostly from scripts helped me in this.

Now, I am a new man - a new being infact, for some people believe I am sans something that defines a man, a heart. The efforts I have taken against slipping are infact too large that people see me too mechanical and robotic - and consequently give me the name I probably deserve.

I often muse about the changes I have had - I sometimes felt easily manipulated - so much that I was able to understand it all at once. This sense of understanding a situation lead me to new grounds - I was probably not getting manipulated but merely playing their own game. Its not a treacherous one nor a mere flow of the dice. All influence on me rests and would forever remain, in the qualm of the initial mass. The alpha and the omega!

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No more apples..

'After Apple Picking' was one of my favourite poems in school. Not that I consider myself romantically inclined to poets nor do I really get the meaning of all the sonnets, but this one left a deep impression on me. My English teacher, after explaining each poem, tells us whats the deeper meaning of the poem is. I always form my own deep meaning and wait for her answer to confirm, if I was right - I would mostly be right. For this one, I had imagined that the poet (the incomparable, Robert Frost) was referring more to the apples and his sickness of the wonderful fruit, having been so closely working with it.

I was wrong - my teacher explained me that he was insinuating that he was tired due to the long hours of work, just too fagged to work and he was yet working - something that I saw myself do, time and again. I read the poem again and all the hints stared at me - it was so well-explained by Frost. I almost imagined that had I been a poet (I wouldn't call it a gift, though), and had I wrote late after midnight, knowing I still had work to do, I would have probably tried to simulate his thoughts and words.

After this incident, whenever I was really tired and tell to myself that I need some rest and need to sleep, I remember the poem and its lines. Somehow remembering those lines always make me feel more sleepy, and I start to wait - wait till I get to bed and let my weariness take control of me. Afterall I cannot risk getting sick of anything, anyone..

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Amidst ruins

I just feel like standing amidst ruins now - the ruins of a battle fought over a little period. The battle was in a lot of ways similar to the battles fought over the barren lands in the dark middle ages - had nothing much to fight for, was a result of a few erraneous decisions and more still, there were many losses.

I love the way when people work with penned up sleeves. I always come to office like that and love to fold them more, when am in serious work. That I work in a cyber-cell and there is no reason for me to fold them doesn't bother me - its just that folding them makes me feel like working hard. Another habit of mine while working is to play with my pen (acually, anytime when I am am an epitome of concentration). I always throw it from one hand to another in a small juggle. I continue it as long as I find a solution to some problem in hand.

The battle is over. It was not won - neither by me...I will be moving out of office in another half an hour. There is a long corridor in the basement, which leads to the place where we board the cabs. I will be walking alone, with muffled sleeves. The pen would be in my pocket. The sounds of my footsteps would be ghost-like - another analogy thats not very far from truth. I will be walking alone, something that I rarely hate to do but nevertheless have to endure for today.

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Destiny, unknown

More often than not, someone says this :'I had waited so long for this, but when the moment came, I just couldn't react'. I have used the same quote many times in the past. Its as though everything that happened at the moment was preconceived and expected. You just don't react and that is a avowal of not just the moment, but all those that eventually lead to the ultimacy.

I was walking along with no smile,as always and turned the corner. I was looking at someone stading right over there, right in my way. I moved the slightest bit to avoid them and continued on my way. The someone was me - I had not even reacted for I simply paid the richest tribute I could offer to all the moments, I had envisioned and planned for it. I simply planned for not meeting myself, but I knew the eventuality. Its as though I had heard the voice of inevitability the day I began my sojourn.

I use this quote again. Pardon me for that, but I like it very much. Perennial my life may be, but its not without bright lights like these. The destiny may be unknown and reached through a rugged path, but...

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Something to smile about

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