A waving hand
10.28.05 (5:10 pm) [edit]Its been five months since I last visited home. Somehow I never miss the place nor the people very much. One exception is our neighbour's kid Deepak, who is not our neighbour anymore (they moved to some place, not far away from our home - thats what I am told). But I am looking forward to the visit - why do I? This attitude simply divulges the stark change in my mind with regard to my work. All said and done, I do feel as lonely as a emperor in a lost battleground. But am neither an emperor nor did I fight a battle - I ran away from it.
Yesterday night, I toiled for more than 10 hours continuously to solve a production problem. I was unsuccessful and I had to admit the timings of my work had taken a toll on my thinking prowess. I somehow lacked the edge, I used to have back in my college days and early days in work. I started off at 5:30 AM and had to wait for a cab. I noticed him then.
He was standing alone (see the emphasis), in the round-turn we have in front of our company. His job was to make sure no incoming vehicle crosses over the wrong turn, wherein some construction was going on. I watched him for not more than a minute but I realised how lonely he would feel. On a cold windy night, with no one to talk to (the round turn is atleast 50 meters from any nearby building and I cannot imagine anyone going out to meet him there or him going somewhere risking his job) and nothing to do (this is the most sad part). He was not sleeping but was simply sitting there, with a dark jacket and cloak, probably waiting for another vehicle to pass-by so that he gets to see some moving object.
I was wondering what I would do, if I was there. Immediately, what stuck to me was what I would I do, to control things in my mind. I have always wondered why the brain is such a complex thing, getting into knots of its own, while it could remain still, without doing anything.
He got up and waved as he always does for a vehicle. He sat down before we crossed and I saw him. He must be thinking............
A man, A plan, friends
10.25.05 (8:27 pm) [edit]The plan was good. It was supposed to be great plan, to be well co-ordinated (being in good hands), to be well executed and was supposed to make a memorable two days for us. Two days - its all over now. The plan has gone awry, the co-ordinators are long gone down the drain and backup measures are called for the two days. Big boost but small roast!
The plan was a trip to ooty, when all our friends converged for the diwali weekend. We had visited the same place, in the vacation after our final-year school while waiting for colleges to start. We had a memorable five day trip there, and often, we turn to nostalgic moments from that trip, in midst of conversations. We wanted to emulate that, no - wanted to better it. We have money now, something we had to beg from our parents then. We could take our own decisions now as to planning things, we depended a lot on experienced people then. We are professionals who are more organised and self-managerial now, we were a bunch of haphazard 'school kids' then.
Then it worked, now it bombed - all because we dont have time. One guy got no leave for all his team-mates are on leave over the weekend and another had to take-off for a wedding. Another one has an official commitment that would bar him from reaching there, before it becomes too late.
The backup measures are ready - they are big secrets. We are not allowing another loss.
Too many calls
10.24.05 (2:03 pm) [edit]No. Am not complaining about my postpaid bill, that has come to an whopping amount this month. Nor am I adjudging the number of times the third umpires were called in the super series down under. Its just that I am finiding it difficult to be a non-believer. There are simply too many calls to pray.
Me, myself...
10.22.05 (11:58 am) [edit]Come friday, and I feel a tinge of relief. A week's work is gone by and I have two days time to let out all the fumes I had to inhale over the work-week. But weekends do not end happily often, unless you plan for it. I had no plans and I feel for it now.
The blog for me is to write whats in my mind at that moment. The general mood of my blog is a clear indicator of what I am upto around that time. Sometimes I wonder if my blog is a secret friend with whom I confide a lot - I never wanted any of my friend to take on that responsibility. Sometimes I do ask my friends not to read/comment on my blogs but then I wanted them to - I believe everyone knew it except one.
Being as romantic as me in my ideas, I think about what my entries here would mean to me when I read them years after. I believe I will recall every incident that lead to a blog. I always had a good memory and sometimes. it has been my undoing factor. Some of the scientific blogs and my agnost feelings expressed may sound silly to me in future.
Will I regret making an entry? I will and I would know it when I make a dry smile. Time is relentless..
Living-up to the title
10.21.05 (1:48 pm) [edit]I like when people smile for small things, for which, they need not smile for.
I like the fact that the universe is so enormous, yet follows a set of simple universal rules. I like the men who found these rules and trying to explain the anomalies that do exist in these rules.
I like rain. I love it more when it drizzles silently and allows me to walk through it.
I like to stand in the door-step of a train as it rushes past objects for which it never cares to slow. I love to notice the brobdingnagian power of the machine which drives it relentlessly over the soft earth.
I like black and white or mild-colored ads which express more deep meanings than the product. I love it when there is a suitable music in the background. (My latest favourite is the Tata Safari Dicor ad – ‘Reclaim your life’).
I like girls in frocks. The last time I saw one was when I attended a friend’s party. Her looks and hair reminded me of Mandy Moore in ‘A walk to remember’. I wanted to say that to her, but didn’t.
I like to walk with my hands in my trouser pockets inside my office – only inside my office.
I like to make night-walks, alone.
I like construction of huge buildings. I love to watch huge yellow cranes (for some reason, all of what I have seen are yellow), skillfully constructing them.
I like to follow intricate logic used in an efficient C program. I hate C language, but love its statements in a logic flow.
I like a place called paye-mund in ooty. I always remember it in a single frame - a not so huge hill, fully of grass with a lone broken down tree at its base. The tree has some meaning, which I cannot decipher.
I like black jackets. I always wanted to have one.
I like sun shining warmly after a mild rain. Never had a fascination for rainbows though.
In a Beige
10.20.05 (1:35 pm) [edit]One thing I love about me is how good I am at waking up - from sleep that is. Am quite a deep sleeper, but once I am awake, I never take the so-called luxurious moments of lying in bed which most people do. When I moved out to bachelor life (away from my home and family), the first thing I noticed about other people was the difference in our waking-up routine. As one friend aptly put it, its always as though I woke up, ready for the day's action. I had, infact, always thought so, but its just that he brought it to my notice.
Today was a lot different. The driving cold and the mild fever I caught up, bothered me a lot. I always hate a running nose and more so, if its mine. I wondered why the damned medical science, could not find a permanent cure to cold - it may not be fatal but as today it kills some of my wonderful mornings. It was well past morning actually, for it was about 12 PM by the time I woke up. As usual, I took the first look at my cellphone to see if someone had called me. As usual, no one missed me and I felt the familiar tinge of loneliness that I am struggling to get used to.
That's when I felt it. I lay there alone in my bed, thinking of only one thing. If colors can depict your mood, I can very well say that I felt like beige. Anyone can decipher it..uh??
But wait till I tell you...
10.19.05 (3:50 pm) [edit]I have not read any published book of O Henry. We had a couple of his short-stories in high school and I immediately fell in love with his style of writing. Am not going to to give a biography of his works or his collection of short stories. Please refer this for the same -> http://www.online-literature.com/o_henry/" title="http://www.online-literature.com/o_henry/" target="_blank"http://www.online-literature....
Of all the numerous short stories he has written, 'The ransom of the red chief' is probably the most famous. And there is a reason for that. The story is as simple as it gets - two low-level robbers aim to make it big by kidnapping the kid of a local businessman. They finally pay off his dad to take him back, such was his notoriousness. The short story started with the immortal words 'IT LOOKED like a good thing: but wait till I tell you'. The 'but wait till I tell you' phrase comes all over the short story and drives it forward, giving it a sense of time. There is no suspense in the story, only pure humor.
'After twenty Years' was his first story that I read. No other person could have crafted such a simple story as delectably as O Henry. The story is about two friends, who plan to meet after 20 years to see how they fare in life. The simple descriptions of the characters and the surroundings, the deliberately underplayed seriousness in the first half and the final twist all were beautifully engineered. After reading the story, I felt terribly sorry for 'silky' Bob, who came thousands of miles to see his friend, to fulfill a promise, only to be his own friend. Bob had gotten into wrong ways and his friend, who was a policeman was not someone to let him escape...
Not that far ahead....
10.18.05 (1:45 pm) [edit]Office can be boring sometimes, but it is certainly far better than a school or college. Here, atleast you have some sort of individuality and the managers never boss you around as your teaching staff in schools and colleges. More importantly, you are being paid to handle responsibilities - something that comes under my domain of interest.
Somewhere, not that far ahead, I should see something that draws me towards it. I should call it my 'destination' and somehow all that I do must be meaningful in my quest to reach there. The destination will be achieved if I want to.
That's my idealistic vision of my life. It has never been like that, as with anyone. Not everyone, though. Some people are more adventurous and as a result, achieve what they were born for. Most of those names, are still remembered.
Office is still wonderful. Its just that it leads to a blind alley, from where my destination is hard to find. 'Find' is not the word - its 'reclaim'...
Not in a mood to write!
10.17.05 (4:02 pm) [edit]I am facing a weird type of writers' block. Normally, I would have a preconceived plan of what I am going to write about. Sometimes, I do think over what is to be written but mostly, I open up the post page and write of the thing thats in my mind at that moment. Too bad, I dont have any such thing in my mind today.
Whatever is the reason for this, it is far from a delusion that I have nothing to write about. I can write about the weekend shopping, the weird and funny moments I had, the call which never came and so on. Or else, if I choose to be scientific, I can write what I think about wormholes, or more interestingly, I can write about the young earth creationists group. I stumbled across the latter group very recently in the web and found them wanting a mention.
Despite all this, I choose to write nothing. I am not in the mood. Not that I am entitled to hold anything against my mind for this - I know it. It has chosen it and am not going to argue.
Not the best of decisions. Not my best of blog entries. Sorry........
Atlas Shrugged
10.14.05 (2:35 pm) [edit]I read Ayn Rand's timeless classic 'Atlas Shrugged'. It is indeed a timeless novel for though written decades ago, the novel still depicts the current global picture. More amazingly, Rand seems so confident of it, that she had once said 'The time of novel is 10 years in the future, no matter when you read it'. Great mind!
The novel is painstakingly long and quite often tests your patience, but then, I knew of it before I started - its what you expect from Ayn. The novel is based on a strike - a strike against the world, by the people of the mind. It is her concept of how very few people who know to follow their own reason, rule the world and that the world is not left to rule-making bureaucrats. While reading, you often find the deep contempt and anger of the author towards communism.
'The fountainhead', an earlier novel by Ayn Rand, opened my eyes to seeing what ego really means and why man must live for his own self and try not to be an altruist. 'Atlas..' made me think deep about man's reason and the need to follow it. Truly a wonderrful novel - I may not follow it to the dot but it has changed the way I see things.
An indifferent walk
10.13.05 (4:10 pm) [edit]I walked to my office today. The distance is not phenomenal and its not as though I have not walked before, but today was different. I used to walk to my office everyday, when I had the option of starting to office after dark. But change in my shift timings and hot summer days made me choose other comfortable means of transportation. There was good cloud cover today and temperature was not so warm and I decided to walk. The walk was very different in one way - I was indifferent.
Indifferent to what! I am a quick walker and it started not so differently - the familiar road leading to the graveyard, the foul-smelling graveyward leading to a narrow road, which in turn dumps me into a busy street, crossing which I have to take another long narrow road to my office. It was after a distance into the long narrow road that I suddenly came to life. A lady holding a baby in hands had asked me something, the moment before. I did not understand the language, but then, I did not even react. Not a single muscle moved from the rhythm of my long steps, not a single muscle moved in my face to let her know that the sounds she raised in words reached my ears and later my brain. I went on shuddering at the thought of having to react to her after a long instant, it was a lot better if she imagined that I never heard her in the first place. Not that I believe her request could have been important, and nor do I feel guilty about ignoring her. It woke me to the fact as to how I was walking.
I was not happy or gay for I was not seeing the sky or the flowers in the road-side, I was not sad or dejected for I was not seeing my black shoes flowing forward alternatively in rhythmic steps, I did not agree nor disagree with anything that I saw, I was not thinking anything in my mind, it was a stateless blank : I was simply emotionless. I wondered as I went along, as to how a total stranger would think of me, had he studied my face at that moment. He might have seen a face void of any expression, as though it was face without a mind behind it, for a face so dead would be possibly only of a dead mind. I dismissed the thought - why would anyone notice me and more so my face, in that way. I suddenly wondered why I chose to walk today - I realised the reason as though the thought process happened ages ago and then I realised - I was simply forgetting it - I was indifferent today.
Spent too little a time...
10.11.05 (10:25 pm) [edit]The current pace of my life leaves me with no time to dwell on where I am going. Its funny that I had thought that all I needed was a job and when I had one (and completed a year in it), I feel it is not what I wanted. It could well be with the job and new people but I know that these are not the only reasons. My soaring ambitions have long since taken deep roots inside me and I have neither destroyed them nor watered them to grow beyond that. I can say, all is my fault.
My favourite one-liner is 'Time is a excellent teacher but unfortunately it kiils all its pupils'. I might have a long way to see my grim reaper but nevertheless, the indifference and unheeding attitude I have shown to the sacred lessons, may well lead to consequences. Sometimes I think in the lines of how I would be, ten years from now. At those instances, one thing that hits me most is that I have thought about my life in similar lines years ago, but could never recollect a single context or wish I was making. Perhaps, I was never serious about such a line of thought.
I always used to love myself for my abilities. I believed in myself as a competitive person and admired my winnings. Only now I realise that I was not a winner. Or rather my winnings wont count. I missed too many important things in my life - things for which I spent too little a time...
The travel
10.10.05 (9:01 pm) [edit]This weekend was special. I had gone to bangalore to see my college friends and a couple of school mates (including my bro). The trip was good and I had a good time there. Seems not many have changed, atleast in spirit. Not the same case here, with me.
The trip was memorable in more than one ways - the friends whom I visited, the two wheeler trip I had which literally took me back in time and ofcourse the house which I passed through, without calling a name. I seldom feel nostalgic and emotional about something as naive as this. Or was I being a fool??
Will I remember it long? I dont think so. It is for me to cherish and forget soon, so as to expect more out of it the next time. It will come, I will be there..
The bliss of being tired
10.06.05 (11:26 pm) [edit]Often, I prolong the sweet feeling of being tired. I love walking below the stars all alone in the night, when all the muscles in my body, cry in pain. The exultant soul of mine, never fails to put a smile in my lips, as if to emphasize that my mouth is not pardoned too. I often think of one such night whenever I am tired to this level.
It was a day, back in when I was a school-goer. We had spent one summer vacation in the hills, a place where my father came from. One particular day in that summer stays out even now, for I can still sense the pain in my body, I felt at the end of that day. It started unplanned. Me, my brother and two cousins (we were a great gang then) decided to make a move one fine morning - our aim was to enjoy the day away far from the house. We had travelled to our tea estate which was more than 2 hours of walking from our house. We played around all the while in the estate, till the light was down and realised we have to walk 2 hours of lonely dark roads back home. The friendly people who worked in my father's fields had long since gone, back to their safety of their thatched houses, which we hadnt seen. Yet, we never feared. The only thing that kept us all in fear was the words we would have to hear from our parents. The walk was as blissful as the first rain drops in the summer. We said so many things and literally never saw a single soul till we came back home.
The walk was so very special, for its the first time I learned to smile at my pain. I keep walking, even now.
Lies and moral values!
10.05.05 (1:32 pm) [edit]Too often, I find myself in a position wherein I have to choose between a lie with good consequences and a truth with bad consequences. Obviously, being the good soul as I am, I always choose to speak the lie. And I live happily ever after. Thats what I was thinking, atleast till very recently.
The objective of telling a lie may be good for the time-being or good for all, but isnt it simply 'WRONG'. When I say, wrong I dont mean the moral values by which the world lives but the moral values which you choose to live - I believe in the objectivity principles of an individual. The lie may have good consequences, but to whom and till when?? Isnt it a kind of temporary solution, that we choose merely to make our decisions and consequently our lives, easy to live?
The lies may have been well intentioned but doesnt it show a fundamental flaw in the way which we choose to live? Quite often, my mind plays enough tricks on me to make me believe that a lie is the only way out, but then I chose to ask the wrong question - I shouldnt have asked it 'Is it ok to say this lie?' but 'Is it right by the moral values I stand by to say this lie?'. The next time I chose to lie to a loved one, even if it was their own good, I need to be reminded by one fact - I am killing their belief in me. Its something, I dont have the right to..
Lights in the passage
10.04.05 (4:18 pm) [edit]The relentless motion of time is sometimes too quick that you dont feel to looking back at things. Often, I am nostalgic about an object or incident, which I see differently from what I used to, years back. Sometimes, they are a particular instance in my life and I think, what I would have done now. While the late-come wisdom may not be so wonderful, it gives me a way to gauge, what I have gained and more importantly, what I lost.
The thoughts are endless - sometimes I think about the play I spoiled in my school-time, the day I went to a party I imagined, but never took place and sometimes, and about what lies I told as a kid. Some of them do hurt, even now - thats understandable for they remain in my memory for the same reason. There are some other things that do bring me a smile in me, almost every time. I think of the rainy day, when I ruined my new black shoes and was saved from my father's wrath from my mom, I think of the day I came back from my class and insinuated to my mom that I got the best rank in class.
The latter incident is always in my memory for my mom was very belligerent about my marks. I didn't tell it to her directly. She came upto me after the exams were over and asked me about my marks. I told her a simple 'good'. She then ventured to ask the total of the guy who normally comes first in the class - I told it. Then she asked me whats the difference, between my marks and him. The last time I was some 40-odd marks adrift of him and she merely wanted to see how much I improved in catching with him. I told her that it was 6. Before she would answer, 'not bad', I added - 'more than him'. She left without a word - but I saw her eyes. Perennial may have been my journey, but not without lights as that moment.
Arguments and more
10.04.05 (3:25 pm) [edit]I couldnt say the argument was unique, even within the premises of the ones I have witnessed or taken part in, but its worth mentioning for two reasons - the place we chose to talk it and the team that formed to talk about it. Let me come to the point - me and four of my friends had gone out for a movie in the weekend and while returning, took the path to 'Hussain Sagar Lake'. We sat on a granite slab bench near the edge of water (our idea was to get a speedboat ride but the waiting line there, made it look sour). Thinking of it now, I cant find who started it or what prompted us to start but we were arguing about it, not more than a minute of we seating ourselves. It was a debate between the believers and the non-believers.
I call them non-believers, for that group of 3 had 2 agnostics and an atheist. The argument started casually and heated up;some religions were also left unspared. We were aware of the place being crowded and talked mostly in tamil, so that it is mostly noise to others who dont know the language. Am not going to reproduce what was discussed or who held the upper hand but there were a few enlightments from either side. The believers side posed a few questions about human morality and how religion and the thought of God has brought the homo sapiens into a rational world, which we are enjoying today. The non-believers had their own statements most of which was aimed at religions rather than God. But then, thats how you need to argue. The atheist of the group had some strong statements to make - regarding the foolishness of believers and the extent to which they go in enforcing their rules in the name of God.
Dinner time came and we all rose - it was more than an hour of discussion. I am an agnostic.
Rocket Soars
10.04.05 (2:09 pm) [edit]'Rocket Boys' or the more popular name 'October sky' (as film mongers would know it), is no ordinary book. The first time, I saw the book and its cover, I knew I wouldnt like it. Moreover I learned that it was a autobiography of some bloke, I wondered if I would ever read it. I did read it and found out that it had a great profound effect on me, something I would attribute only to one other book I read - 'The fountainhead'.
The book was about the school days of a erstwhile NASA engineer, more specifically about his rocket dreams and his father. As I soared through the pages, I realised that my own life inherent in the story line. I could easily draw parallels between my life and that of the author. I particularly admired the father figure in the book. He is a workaholic father who never showered care for his second son, explicitly. How the son yearns for his love and how he learns his mistake, was wonderfully rendered. Not rendered in blissful colors but the chromatic aura of an october sky. Tomorrow is October and I cant wait to see my sky.
Too random to notice
10.04.05 (2:05 pm) [edit]I know that I cant allow myself to be so emotional. Sometimes you have no idea how little actions of others can hurt you so much. I aint doing any elucidation here, but then, this should not be that difficult to comprehend in times to come. It would, in all probabilities stand by itself.
Life is taking no vicious turn and quite rightly so, for I am afraid of turns. I cannot explain a few things I feel these days with my limited knowledge of myself. Quite certainly, the level of insecurity I feel over my life is having its effect on me. It will take some time for me to fully recover.
I had a call when I was sleeping in my home on a sunny afternoon (due to be damned night shifts, I work). I wouldnt woke up for the first few minutes but later I woke up, only to find the call having been missed. I took my cell and noticed that I had 4 missed calls, two from my mom in home and two from my brother who also lives alone. I knew something had gone wrong, and even thought of death - someone I love. It was not to be. Someone had given up on me and my family, in a way that brought disgrace to us. Not that I would worry but then not all involved had the same feeling - it left a big wound in all of them. I realise that I was not an exception, only now.